⋆｡𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆ poopfart's blog ⋆｡𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆

cortisol levels are high but we ball (vent) 5/12/2026

"Don't be too hard on yourself."

Okay I need to revisit some stuff to what I had said on my last blog post because it doesn't fully explain my mental health currently as much as I wanted. I'm making this cus outright saying compliments for me feel fake is a bit much. Because even though sometimes I do feel that way, I appreciate every comment given to me whether they're good or bad. I just struggle with actually sinking good compliments in because I'm insecure as shit . I don't want to seem like I'm compliment fishing... The whole blog post was overall unplanned and I wrote it immediately after watching that YT video lolol

As much as this does pain me to put out (I don't usually vent in public), I want to touch on more subjects regarding how I feel right now because letting this out might make me feel a little better like my last blog post. I'm gonna start rambling now...

Another big part of my deteriorating mental health rn is Social Media. The numbers man, it kills me. I've always been weary of my views, likes, comment, and follower count to the point I will literally calculate and formulate the ratio between each them to determine if a post was doing great or being a flop. That was a mouthful of mathematical bullshit so let me make it clearer: big numbers good, small numbers bad. And I really hate small numbers, it's my worst nightmare. Ever since I joined socal media, I ALWAYS wanted to be famous with big numbers and stuff like that. One way I know how is to chase trends, but I fail halfway through because chasing trends and being consistent is hard as hell.
However that goal has always been in the back of my head and today it has come to torture me. Every new post I make is a weighing scale on how well I did, if it flops then its over. Its like my life depends on it. I know this is a very toxic mindset but I can't help it, to me the numbers determine how good my my art is and it's sad to think about. I think this is where I believe my perfectionism and self doubt mainly stems from. I need to be appealing to viewers who'll see my content and they have to like it because clearly I don't (in reference to last post).

Then I was introduced to the indie web. The more I surfed through such amazing websites, I found out these indie sites have some things in common: no clear indication for numbers or chasing trends, just minding your own business in your own corner of the internet. It was mind blowing to me, this was my escape from social media, like a safe haven on the internet. So this website is made for exactly that and it works! Coding this site helped me regulate my emotions because (I mentioned this a lot) I used coding to distract me from these thoughts of self doubt.

To be frank these are only some of the problems I'm personally dealing with right now, I just felt like these were enough for me to talk about because everything else feels like it leans towards heavier topics. I'm struggling with other bigger problems like school and financials, I'm just mentioning this here because social media used to be my safe haven from life problems but now its actually becoming one of my problems. If I could talk about them, it'd be hard for me to talk it all out because its a lot to cover. Right now I'm truly a jumble of depressive mess. As I recall, these feelings were boiling at the back of my head and right now it finally decided to burst completely at the same time.

Because of all of this, the stress really got to me big time. I logged off on all my social medias and stopped interacting with people altogether with almost no warning. I'm very sorry for anyone I've ghosted because of this, I feel bad... Initially I wanted to make a comeback around last month (Apr 2026), I made an update on myself and apologized for logging off only on my Instagram story, but people were supportive of me and saying I didn't need to apologize and I really appreciated that from the bottom of my heart.

Overall most of the stuff I mentioned are just me hating on myself. Then I frequently get told "don't be too hard on yourself". But that's hard for me because I've always had high unrealistic expectations for myself, combined with my goal of becoming famous adds salt to the wound.

I posted two vent posts in a row (even though I planned to never post stuff like this ever), I'm gonna end this post on a positive note, I'm gonna change things around and actually try to be better. No more couch rotting or ignoring people, just pushing myself to have a healthy mind. Im also still gonna use this website to escape the numbers from time to time. I remember just before this I was a bundle of optimism and I wish to feel that way again.

So yeah thassit bye thanks for the read

Impostor Syndrome (vent) 5/11/2026

Impostor syndrome is the persistent internal experience of feeling like a fraud, even when there is clear and consistent evidence of success.

Right now I just finished watching a random YouTube video that popped up on my feed on the story of one of South Park's greatest episodes; Make Love not Warcraft. Later in the video it was mentioned that Trey Parker (one of the show's co-creators) initially desperately didn't want the episode to air because he thought it was bad and it'd ruin the show's legacy. He is a perfectionist, and mentioned it himself that he has Impostor Syndrome and had frequent self doubt. From an interview, he mentioned he was depressed and couldn't sleep when it aired, but little did he know that episode was one of the greatest the show has ever put out. I could say so myself, I'm not familiar with WoW but the episode gave me a good laugh.

Personally, I thought he was bluffing when he said the episode was bad because it was the best of all time seriously speaking. But I couldn't help but see myself in him somehow. Yeah funny, because of this video explaining a South Park episode made me realize I might have Impostor Syndrome as well and could possibly be the source of my mental health currently.

For the longest time I had this consistent pattern of self doubt. This is further noted by past journal logs I've written. I had this pattern of making something and absolutely hating it, but people say otherwise, saying its really great or stuff like that. But for some reason I just don't understand them? I don't understand how people could look at the stuff I made or did and say "Wow, this is the best!" When really it's not. I talked to friends about this feeling before, but no matter how many times they try to explain to me why the stuff I make is great, I get utterly confused. Other than that, the stuff I make look so messy and ugly. I am an over perfectionist, I knew that for a longgg time because I want everything to look as good as possible. It physically and mentally PAINS me to see any of my work look bad by my standards. Yet in the end, no matter how "perfect" it looks to me, I get very disappointed in myself every goddamn time. It's almost like my standards are too high for me to keep up, and I'm only trying to impress myself more than anything, since, in my head, words of encouragement from others towards me are fake or full lies. I know that might be a toxic statement to say, but I cant help myself but think that way because self doubt drowns me.

For the positive things I mention to myself are 90% fake in hopes to actually feel something about myself and my work, like they are ways to cope about my thoughts of self doubt. Sometimes I act cocky and egotistical around my friends or others just to feel good about myself even though at the end of the day all good things I say about myself are lies. To me, everything about me is not good enough and it's hard to convince myself otherwise.

However despite all of this I want to mention that this isn't the case sometimes. Sometimes, though rarely, I like the stuff that I make and I feel proud of myself. I just wish this feeling would keep going. I feel like the only person who could convince me that my work is good is myself. I know this because at some point I was happy with my work and I was feeling great, but the self doubt comes back in again and again.

Though I may not actually have Impostor Syndrome (i'm really just speculating a lot atp), I can say I definitely do have perfectionism and self doubt. It sucks a lot

I'm writing this because I want people to know about my mental health right now, its not great, but I want to get better. I'm laying on my couch all day just rotting my life away currently. I want to get better and the first step that I think would make me achieve that is by talking about this. Me learning about Impostor Syndrome thanks to South Park.

website maxxing 4/21/2026

holy hell ive never had this much fun coding somehting before im going insnane

its been what like,, 3 weeks or so?? that i started this site and YEAH IM HAVING FUNN

I love the indie web so much like wdym you could make your own corner of the internet,, and u made it urself THATS SO AWESOME OFC I GYAT TO DO IT MYSELF TOO because the websites are soo cool and and i wanna be cool too....nya...

im also just now getting introduced to blogging,, which is basically a ticket for someone to YAP about whateva they wanna yap about.. and me being an excessive YAPPER blogs are TOTALLY MY SAFE HAVEN

you mean... i get to chit chat and people can get to see it? HHHOL...HOLY...YES.YES PLEASE LALLALA

ive started working on my site and at first i didnt know how to code clearly, i only knew how to code using Toyhouse with bootstrap 4... the first time i tried i was fucking perplexed like wdym i gotta do everything myself OH HELL NOOOOO like everything i learned from making toyhouse codes were thrown outside the window. gladlyy though i got a script that lets me use BS V4!! and best part is that its totally ok to use it with 0 copyright issues >:) and hell yeah i was going over the moon building my site

but the only problem i had was the theme of the site.. i wanted something old-internet styled but it wasnt really my taste. i wanted something that feels right at home for me, but it still plays with a theme so it looks great nonetheless. i wanted a theme that revolves around my sona whos VERY pink in color.

okay so my legit only problem was idk what theme to stick with. i went through 3 other stages of layout in the index home page to get to this point rn, and its probably not gonna stay eventually. i want something cool with black and pink and idk HOW to do it. the coding part isn't my problem thanks to Bootstrap's easy framework, just the web design aspect of it. i feel insecure about how my site looks even though my friends think its cool.. because i keep seeing so many other cool sites and my site doesnt come close to them even though i want to. BUT IM STILL TRYING!! hell bro this website is only 3 weeks old now i still have LOTS to do

genuinely. lots. to. do.

I need to rework the Megatron shrine especially because it looks bum asf rn LMAO and uhhh plenty more to cover. but the music page tho I'm kinda proud of it!

other than that, what i like to flex about my site tho is that its mobile friendly and my code looks clean asf. B) (to me, at least.) i just LOVEE to clean my codes its super satisfying!! and how it fits well to mobile screens its UGH CHEFS KISS!! well, at least i like some parts of my website, lol.

i cant wait to see how my website goes in the future!! if ever my website is seen by others i might make a neighbor section of the homepage or even make a button of my own to link to my site!

I love Megatron and I want everyone to know that 4/19/2026

Today and yesterday (Apr 18-19 2026) I attended a convention with my newly made Megatron ita bag!!

It took me a while to build it,, by a while, i mean i had to wait for days for my packages to arrive lol. i just bought an ita bag big enough for the plushie and some figures of him, and the other package was an ita bag decoration kit. thank god for the convenience tho cus the actual making of the bag took less than a week! HOWEVER though the color of the bag is off. I wanted a grey one to fit Megatron's silvery color :( i had to thug it out tho cus i do NOT want to return it and wait for another few weeks for a new bag to arrive. i had to convince myself that its good enough because the color of the bag had a blue undertone, similar to some versions of Megatron, which, yk what, good enough for me. But now I'm even more convinced that the color is okay because the ruffles on the ita bag decor kit was had a blue undertone as well so it went a-okay i think! yeah call me delusional or dramatic for the very slight change of hue but god forbid bro I'm an artist AND a woman so my view in color is twice as strong.

Me and my friend group were planning to attend the 2nd day only because one of us couldn't go. However, a friend who's already attending the convention came to me in my DMs saying someone was selling Transformers merch! but don't get your hopes up kiddo there were only TWO items transformers related. just Optimus and Megatron. LMAO... this country needs more Tranformers merch artists and maybe I'm gonna be one of them. they had pins and mouse pads of them. MOUSE PADS. I NEED ONE BADLY. and from the looks of the picture they sent me, there were only TWO LEFT. bro i kid you not I shot up and went there as fast as I could. dude i wish i was kidding when I say I've NEVER moved so fast in my goddamn life because I NEED THOSE MEGATRON MERCH SO BADLY. It'd be damn cool getting a Megatron mouse pad. i. need. it.

Anyhoo!! I'm at the place where the event was announce to be. and. its not there. what the hell. no cosplayers. no stands. no nothing. did the event already end?!? I stood there in the middle of the mall where there should be an artist event with my Megatron ita bag at my side. Perplexed, I checked my phone to see they actually changed locations?!? without being clear!?! I SPRINTED. I RAN TO THAT LOCATION. Hoping to get there just in time before they sold out. It was another mall adjacent to where I currently was. Then I arrived. Nothing again. its not there. what the hell. Sweat dripping, I asked my friend where the event is and they said it was on the 5th floor. SHIT I RAN AGAIN. I GOT THERE. VICTORY. MY MEGATRON MERCH! LETS GOOOOOO!!!-

They ran out of the mouse pads. I got the pin tho WHICH IS GOOD ENOUGH. The person handling the stand saw my bag and immediately knew what I was there for. the pin is secured.

Anyway...!! the convention was great, i think. not as many ppl as I thought there'd be ngl, maybe because the event wasn't as grand as any other I've been to before. It was a simple get together with artists and some mini events with it. I met with an old friend who liked my ita bag!! I'm super happy with it lol that people are seeing it and seeing my absolutely normal feelings of Megatron.

But srsly tho i genuinely need everyone to know that I love Megatron. Because I'm the type of person who's late every time because preparation takes over an hour and I'm still not out of the house. But for Megatron? I got out of the house 50 min after my friend sent me that text. Almost an hour but it sure as hell fast as fuck for me. I wouldn't even go that fast if I were late to class. Better late than absent right?

The second day was pretty decent, I still went with my friends and we hung out together. We went to an arcade as the last fun thing to do for the day and holy shit I never could guess what was inside one of the claw machines... an Optimus Prime plushie!! HOLY MOLY I NEED THAT. It was close to the claw machine where I got Megatron. I used up all my credits for it, which was at the time enough when I got Megatron, however it wasn't enough and I didn't get it :(( I'm saving up and coming back next time. Megatron needs his boyfriend.

ok thassit bye